Crossing the Rubicon (and Running on Empty)

The last few weeks have been… a lot. Every thought, every decision, every hour of my day has revolved around deadlines. Not just one or two — all of them. Every class, every day, every week. Research to gather, layouts to complete, rabbit holes to fall into while trying to understand After Effects expressions, JavaScript, CSS  to make WordPress behave the way I need it to.

Every week, each class drops something new. Not lined up neatly — they overlap, collide, stack on top of each other. Managing them becomes its own full-time job, it’s triage. Constantly deciding what gets done now, what gets pushed, and what absolutely can’t slip through my fingers. It feels, quite literally, like my life depends on it.

The Point of No Return

Somewhere along the way, I crossed my Rubicon. There’s no turning back now — the only way  forward is through. Despite the stress and the exhaustion, I’ve realized that I’m good at this. When I’m not completely maxed out, I love what I create. I’ve discovered that I have more ideas than I ever gave myself credit for — and not just ideas, but concepts that can actually become something strong, something marketable, something that didn’t exist in this world until I put it there. And maybe more importantly, I can learn anything I need to get there.

I’ve always loved learning and this experience has amplified it. When I can take a moment to appreciate it, I am grateful that I set my sails to this journey and I am going to find a way to keep the wind in my sails, even when I have to blow it myself.

Survival Mode

That said… survival mode is real. I’ve been pushing myself past limits I didn’t even know I had. Physically, mentally, emotionally — all of it. My schedule has turned into *90-minute naps, followed by projects and assignments until I can’t function anymore, then another nap*. Eventually, after a few days, I crash properly. Repeat from * to *.

On top of school, I’m still working. It’s physical labour, which I honestly look forward to. It doubles as my gym time, but it also means that I never really get a break. So I’ve been living in a near-constant state of sleep deprivation. The kind where reality starts to blur a little. The kind that makes me think of Insomnia — that hazy, disorienting space where time doesn’t quite behave the way it should.

The Moment It Hit Me

Last Friday and Saturday, I was scheduled for morning shifts — not my fave shift, but I go with what they schedule me for. I’m grateful that SPS really does accommodate my schedule while I’m on courses. Friday, I was exhausted, but work was work. When I got home, I made a plan: shower, go straight to bed, and best case. I sleep 12 hours or worst case I wake up after 5-6 hours and get some work done before going in on Saturday morning. I set my alarm, took a generous medicinal shot of Shanky’s Whip (my fave sleep medicine, with Polar Ice Beavertails a close 2nd) curled up under my electric blanket, with Petey standing guard against any and all danger.

I wake up, look at my phone. 6:00. Instant panic. Cursing my phone — why didn’t my alarm go off? How did I turn off the alarm and go back to sleep — I know exactly how to hit snooze, even in the deepest of sleeps! I message Mel that I’m gonna be late. Feed Petey, throw on clothes, pack food, grab my bag. I’m out the door in maybe ten minutes.

I take a few steps outside. Then I stop. Something isn’t right. I look around, blinking. I can feel the neurons in my brain firing (like Jimmy Neutron’s Brain Blast). I look up at the sky. Then I actually say, out loud: “Shouldn’t it be darker out?”

It wasn’t 0600, it was 1800. I’d only slept for two hours.

The Crash

I went back inside and just… broke. Crawled back into bed and cried because in that moment, it hit me how thin the line I was walking really was. My brain and body have been running in constant fight-or-flight. Eating just to function. Sleeping just enough to keep going, always pushing to the next deadline.

Choosing to Pause

I had originally planned to jump straight into work after my last day of school on the 16th. But now? No thank you, I don’t like that. I’m taking 10 days, nearly a fortnight to rest, revere, and reset. And clean – OMG, my flat is a tip!!! Because as much as I love the path I’ve set my sights on, as much as I believe in what I’m building for myself,  it (literally) hit me that I can’t do any of it if I run myself into the ground.

So I am going to treat myself like someone I love. I will take the advice that I would give my daughter, or my best friend. I am going to be smart, be kind to myself, and enjoy a summer of working hard, playing softball again, and doing passion projects. Find my joy so that I can dive into 3rd year in the fall with all the enthusiasm that I’m gonna need!